1) Programmer Jargon-

Defined: Jargon essentially is words and phrases associated to a certain group.  Programmer Jargon essentially is complete gibberish associated to programmers.  The language of programmers has existed since the invention of computers, or since two nerds began to speak binary to each other (probably in the basement belonging to said nerd’s parents).

Crime:  I understand talking in trade jargon to other people within the same industry.  It’s a way to communicate intimately about a subject without drawing out every acronym or common phrase.  What I don’t understand is talking programming jargon to the common man in an attempt to convey a message.  Communication is two parts: the speaker verbalizing the intent and the receiver understanding the meaning.

Verdict:  If the person you are communicating with doesn’t understand the message, re-evaluate what you are saying.  Programmers need to realize most people think Ruby is a precious gemstone, clouds are in the sky and C++ is a delicious orange drink from Sunkist. 

2) Emoticons- 

Defined:  Emoticons are emotional icons that display the feelings of the writer to the reader in the form of a facial expression image.  They first became popular through the use on instant messaging, and soon began to infest emails and web copy. 

Crime:  Is subtlety dead? Emoticons are the most obtuse form of signifying the mood or tone of a message. It is almost insulting to see an emoticon at the end of an email, as if the writer has so little faith in your cognitive and interpretation abilities that they are forced to put a smiley face to spare you from any potential misunderstanding. I have even seen an emoticon to vial criticism. “You are doing a terrible job :)”   

Verdict:  Emoticons confuse and insult the intended meaning of a message.  Too many people rely on them to impart the emotional context of their message, which I deem lazy and offensive to written word.

3) Strategically removed vowels-

Defined:  In all languages, vowels form the nucleus or peak of syllables.  On the Internet, vowels are meaningless and can be dropped to create “funky” or “original” company names.

Crime: I could beat around the bush, but I am talking about Flickr.  Arguably, they are the largest and most successful in a new trend of vowel dropping start-ups.  Of course, there are others and I fear that more are on the way.  I can’t dispute Flickr success, but vowels aren’t something you can remove willy-nilly without drawing some ire.

Verdict:  How about keeping the words intact?  I know it’s “alternative” and “gnarly” to change the spelling of your company, but would Flickr really been unsuccessfully with the ‘e’?  Hey, you could always borrow a vowel from Kijiji.

4) Pre-Teen Garbage-

Defined:  A language that consists of abbreviated words and acronyms that populate the common speak on the Internet, mostly the written work of young people.

Crime:  If kids want to write like idiots, fine.  I am not their English professors, and I don’t have to sort through “lqtms” or “rotfl” in their essays.  I can’t understand the acceptance, use and study of the ‘language’ by legitimate and accredited professionals.  Nothing says “I am desperately seeking the approval from my angst ridden 15 year old” like employing this garbage.

Verdict:  Leave it to the kids.  Hopefully one day they will wake up and realize that professionals don’t respond to company emails with “lmao”.

5) Onomatopoeia Start-ups-

Defined:  Onomatopoeia is the verbal representation of a noise found in nature, such as “Snap”, “Crackle” and “Pop”, all of which are probably the names of Internet start-ups.

Crime:  There isn’t so much a crime in this as there is a lack of originality. I understand vowel ridden funny sounding names, like Google and Wikipedia (and Smibs).  The problem I have is names like MOO, Slurp and Zooomr.  Inspiration for your company’s name should come further then immediately outside your window.

Verdict:  I guess Google’s success may have started the trend, but I can’t accept that onomatopoeias are now also becoming verbs.  Leave them where they belong, in the mouths of barnyard animals.